Beautiful Brian

My younger brother, Brian, was this great influence on my life. He taught me so many things that he probably never even knew about. He taught me how to love unconditionally, he taught me what hard work really meant, he taught me what it meant to overcome obstacles in life, and many more things.  He was this beautiful, very talented , kind, gentle soul with a great future ahead of him. He truly meant the world to me - whether he knew it or not. Even though he was 3 years younger then me, I really did look up to him in so many ways.
After moving to Memphis, he found his independence at a young age and simply blossomed. He opened his own restaurant with a friend and quickly found out his chef talents were more of a great hobby then anything else. He WAS a wonderful chef - most of it , I believe, was inborn talent. I have no idea where it came from - since I cannot cook a single, solitary thing!  He blew me away with fancy dishes with wonderful flavors my mouth had never tasted before.  I have to admit I looked forward to the times when he came home.  It always meant a great, huge, home cooked, fancy meal would be awaiting me!  The last one, I believe was a wonderful steak  fillet with fancy potatoes that I have no name for and sauteed vegetables!  Awww, how incredible that meal was!  He truly was a gifted chef.  However, his talents also lye elsewhere. He found a challenge managing a night club in Memphis. If you have ever been to Memphis, then you know this is no easy task!  Many late nights a week and late days sleeping in. His days turned into nights. Taking care of the local drunks, under -aged drinkers, the irresponsible drinkers, the staff, the owners, making sure everyone got paid, making sure everything got ordered, and the list goes on... It was a HARD job! However, he did it well and he loved every minute of it. His second family was there at the club. They meant everything to him - they loved him and he loved them back.
After mom died, things got rough for both of us.  Neither one of us was sleeping well or coping well at all.  We needed each other more then ever.  He took off as much time as he could to be with me. We simply took care of each other and did a whole lot of nothing.  We stayed up late, watching movies, we ate, we did everything possible to get through the next couple of weeks together.  I guess you could say we held each other up. What I didn't know was that he went back to Memphis very concerned about me. He thought I might be suicidal. I'm not exactly sure why he thought this.  I didn't even know until after he was gone.  I found out from his friends in Memphis that he was very worried about me. I so wish I could take back that time and worry from him.  To somehow let him know that I was going to be alright  However, that I did need him here with me, but I understood he had to go.
He continued to look after me via phone calls and made plans to come home as soon as he could.  I knew he was in as bad of a shape as I was. I don't think he was sleeping well - neither was I.  The house was so lonely and empty after he left. I saw my mom's memory everywhere I looked. It was not an easy task living there  - it still isn't by any means.  Brian seemed to do what most men do - he threw himself back into his work.  He was always there for me, but was working a lot of hours on little sleep.  I was worried about him.  Ironic, because he was worried about me!   However, that was just his nature. He had always looked after me and worried about me. He took care of me in so many ways - kind of like a big brother would do.  In some ways, he was filling James' shoes.  I was lucky that way - I had 2 wonderful brothers who loved me very much and I loved them back just as much if not more.  They were both a little reckless and both had their lives ended way too early.
I had so much I wanted to say to Brian.  I can still see that gleam in his eye, that happiness in his smile, and hear his laughter that filled the room. He was so special and so beautiful and talented - he had a future. His death came way too soon.  I often wonder if it was some sort of mistake - if maybe he wasn't supposed to have died. He had so much going for him - so much life in him, it's difficult to accept that his death was meant to be. I suppose God has a plan for everyone and there is a reason for everything that happens.  I hope to one day understand and accept this plan and reason.....because right now I just don't.